Thursday, August 7, 2014
Mad Max
Every year I de-hype myself for Comic-Con. Unless you want to go stand in line for 8 hours, surrounded by what isn’t exactly the most hygienic demographic in the world, all you are going to see is some crappy Iphone video of things you already knew were happening. So every year I tell myself I don’t care about Comic-Con, and every year they put out something that makes me squeal like a six year old girl. No, it wasn’t the grainy cell phone video of Superman about to burn the shit out of Batman’s chin, nor was it Josh Brolin holding up one of those Hulk smash gloves, not even the pictures of anorexic Wonder Woman. Oh no, the thing that stole my heart was a man named Max. It has been almost thirty years since the road warrior went beyond thunderhome, and I don’t care what Tina Turner thinks. We need another hero.
Every year I de-hype myself for Comic-Con. Unless you want to go stand in line for 8 hours, surrounded by what isn’t exactly the most hygienic demographic in the world, all you are going to see is some crappy Iphone video of things you already knew were happening. So every year I tell myself I don’t care about Comic-Con, and every year they put out something that makes me squeal like a six year old girl. No, it wasn’t the grainy cell phone video of Superman about to burn the shit out of Batman’s chin, nor was it Josh Brolin holding up one of those Hulk smash gloves, not even the pictures of anorexic Wonder Woman. Oh no, the thing that stole my heart was a man named Max. It has been almost thirty years since the road warrior went beyond thunderhome, and I don’t care what Tina Turner thinks. We need another hero.
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes
Apes prove their superiority and take over the world. It makes about as much sense as slow rotting corpses taking over or the popularity of Two Broke Girls, but god knows we have taken bigger leaps of logic. Summer blockbuster don't have to be big dumb explosion fests where nothing makes any sense and one giant metal thing punches some other giant metal thing; you can in fact have your cake and eat it too. Hell this movie goes beyond even the thoughtful action movie instead choosing to balance elements from westerns, gangster films, science fiction and even political dramas. Although it never reaches the heights it seemed to be striving for it definitely hits more than it misses and has apes firing machine guns from horseback. What the hell else are you looking for?
The movie’s central plot hinges upon the upcoming clash between the dwindling human society living in the city and the expanding ape one that exists in the surrounding woods. Our foreknowledge of the eventual outcome casts a sense of hopelessness over the human story. In this way it acts as an antithesis of the classical western where the naturalistic tribal society is already doomed to be wiped out by the encroaching modern man before the story even begins. That same sense of inevitable doom hangs over the film, but it is the modern society that will be eliminated by the tribal one. It even has the white men learning the merits of the tribe by spending with a child and/or women. Hell at a certain point I was halfway expecting some sort of cross-species loving, looks like puritanical America struck again.
The film aims to have a sense of moral relativism. Where there are no bad guys just competing factions and ideals. While for the majority of the film this holds true, neither the apes nor the humans could be considered the villains, there is definitely a villain, and he is more Dr. No than he is Tony Soprano. This is Caesar’s show, and he gets to be the hero. And every hero gets a villain to punch in the face. An evil villain isn't necessarily a bad thing, but when everything before that in the film is set up as this morally ambiguous clash between two rival societies attempting to coexist in a new world it feels like a cheap way to get the conflict started. The main theme of the film seems to be the ways fear can turn us into monsters, but being scared doesn't absolve you for being an asshole. As the conflict ramps up it feels if anybody would just stop and talk about this shit for five minutes everything would have turned out alright, but maybe that was the point.
The performances were good, furry and non-furry alike. Although whether that is due to the actors or some poor dude sitting in front of a computer in a Burbank basement I couldn't tell you. Overall this is one solid flick. Despite it not quite reaching the high bar it set for itself in the beginning of the film, it is still a thoroughly satisfying summer movie and one that tries to be something greater. That is perhaps the thing I love most about the movie; it feels so genuine. It is a big blockbuster sequel without any returning characters, save ones that are completely computer generated. It even changes genre. In a summer full of cheap cash-ins and movies that were clearly made in boardrooms full of shareholders Dawn of the Planet of the Apes is clearly trying to be something unique, and even when it fails you have to commend the effort. Unfortunately, there is one glaring flaw in the film; that being the complete lack of a shirtless Charlton Heston, but I guess that is just a sign of the times.
Apes prove their superiority and take over the world. It makes about as much sense as slow rotting corpses taking over or the popularity of Two Broke Girls, but god knows we have taken bigger leaps of logic. Summer blockbuster don't have to be big dumb explosion fests where nothing makes any sense and one giant metal thing punches some other giant metal thing; you can in fact have your cake and eat it too. Hell this movie goes beyond even the thoughtful action movie instead choosing to balance elements from westerns, gangster films, science fiction and even political dramas. Although it never reaches the heights it seemed to be striving for it definitely hits more than it misses and has apes firing machine guns from horseback. What the hell else are you looking for?
The movie’s central plot hinges upon the upcoming clash between the dwindling human society living in the city and the expanding ape one that exists in the surrounding woods. Our foreknowledge of the eventual outcome casts a sense of hopelessness over the human story. In this way it acts as an antithesis of the classical western where the naturalistic tribal society is already doomed to be wiped out by the encroaching modern man before the story even begins. That same sense of inevitable doom hangs over the film, but it is the modern society that will be eliminated by the tribal one. It even has the white men learning the merits of the tribe by spending with a child and/or women. Hell at a certain point I was halfway expecting some sort of cross-species loving, looks like puritanical America struck again.
The film aims to have a sense of moral relativism. Where there are no bad guys just competing factions and ideals. While for the majority of the film this holds true, neither the apes nor the humans could be considered the villains, there is definitely a villain, and he is more Dr. No than he is Tony Soprano. This is Caesar’s show, and he gets to be the hero. And every hero gets a villain to punch in the face. An evil villain isn't necessarily a bad thing, but when everything before that in the film is set up as this morally ambiguous clash between two rival societies attempting to coexist in a new world it feels like a cheap way to get the conflict started. The main theme of the film seems to be the ways fear can turn us into monsters, but being scared doesn't absolve you for being an asshole. As the conflict ramps up it feels if anybody would just stop and talk about this shit for five minutes everything would have turned out alright, but maybe that was the point.
The performances were good, furry and non-furry alike. Although whether that is due to the actors or some poor dude sitting in front of a computer in a Burbank basement I couldn't tell you. Overall this is one solid flick. Despite it not quite reaching the high bar it set for itself in the beginning of the film, it is still a thoroughly satisfying summer movie and one that tries to be something greater. That is perhaps the thing I love most about the movie; it feels so genuine. It is a big blockbuster sequel without any returning characters, save ones that are completely computer generated. It even changes genre. In a summer full of cheap cash-ins and movies that were clearly made in boardrooms full of shareholders Dawn of the Planet of the Apes is clearly trying to be something unique, and even when it fails you have to commend the effort. Unfortunately, there is one glaring flaw in the film; that being the complete lack of a shirtless Charlton Heston, but I guess that is just a sign of the times.
The Best Of The Rest Summer Movies
Captain Torture from Zero Dark Thirty and Commissioner Gordon versus a Gollum led army of apes count me in. I’m they’ll shove in some hippy subplot about how the apes are people too, but there is nothing wrong with a blockbuster with a little brains behind it. I’d say that Rise did that very well so I am willing to give this one the benefit of the doubt.
If you haven’t seen the Nic Cage classic that is Stolen I suggest you remedy that right now. His daughter gets stolen and so he gets sucked back into his old life as a bad ass to get her back. So yeah it is pretty much just Taken except the bad guy is Josh Lucas with long blonde hair and a peg leg, and that isn’t even the most ridiculous thing that happens. It is one of the most ridiculously hilarious movies I have ever seen, and Rage looks like the exact same movie but with Danny Glover thrown in for the hell of it. It looks like fans of cheesy B movies with camp coming out of the ears are in for a treat. Or it will be the bad kind of bad, but its hard to be excited for that huh.
I almost didn’t post the trailer just cause of how bad that looked. I know its directed by Lucifer’s own Brett Ratner, forever cursed be his name, and yeah the CGI is bad, and the writing sounds even worse. But it is a Hercules movie about his labors with the goddamned Rock. That has to be like the most perfect thing ever. How awesome could the Rock beating the shit out of mythological creatures with a friggin club. I mean if you aren’t at least looking forward to that what is the point of living in this world anymore. That could be a truly transcendent experience, or it could just be really bad, yeah probably gonna be bad.
I wasn’t the biggest fan of the first Sin City, but I am sucker for weird art style and noir so I have to admit I’ll end up seeing this movie. Its got a cast worth throwing on a cardboard stand up poster with heavy hitters like JGL, Josh Brolin, Mickey Rourke and Eva Green especially who always loves getting naked and chewing scenery. So at the very least we will have that to look forward too.
That right there is one of my favorite trailers in a long time. Look at all the action, Look at all the adventure, look at all the moxy. What could be better than a puckish rogue in space banging green chicks and hanging out with talking trees. I couldn’t think of anything either. It is like a checklist of cool space shit, carbon copy of Han Solo; check, stoic tough guy alien; check, alien chick that looks human enough to still be treated as a sex object; check, and all of that thrown into a pot of comic book craziness and Disney money. That alone makes it my most anticipated movie of the summer. Not to mention it is directed by James Gunn, the guy who made Super which went way darker than I expected maybe too dark, so who the hell knows what might happen. Either way it has been too damned long since somebody just went flying around in space.
Captain Torture from Zero Dark Thirty and Commissioner Gordon versus a Gollum led army of apes count me in. I’m they’ll shove in some hippy subplot about how the apes are people too, but there is nothing wrong with a blockbuster with a little brains behind it. I’d say that Rise did that very well so I am willing to give this one the benefit of the doubt.
If you haven’t seen the Nic Cage classic that is Stolen I suggest you remedy that right now. His daughter gets stolen and so he gets sucked back into his old life as a bad ass to get her back. So yeah it is pretty much just Taken except the bad guy is Josh Lucas with long blonde hair and a peg leg, and that isn’t even the most ridiculous thing that happens. It is one of the most ridiculously hilarious movies I have ever seen, and Rage looks like the exact same movie but with Danny Glover thrown in for the hell of it. It looks like fans of cheesy B movies with camp coming out of the ears are in for a treat. Or it will be the bad kind of bad, but its hard to be excited for that huh.
I almost didn’t post the trailer just cause of how bad that looked. I know its directed by Lucifer’s own Brett Ratner, forever cursed be his name, and yeah the CGI is bad, and the writing sounds even worse. But it is a Hercules movie about his labors with the goddamned Rock. That has to be like the most perfect thing ever. How awesome could the Rock beating the shit out of mythological creatures with a friggin club. I mean if you aren’t at least looking forward to that what is the point of living in this world anymore. That could be a truly transcendent experience, or it could just be really bad, yeah probably gonna be bad.
I wasn’t the biggest fan of the first Sin City, but I am sucker for weird art style and noir so I have to admit I’ll end up seeing this movie. Its got a cast worth throwing on a cardboard stand up poster with heavy hitters like JGL, Josh Brolin, Mickey Rourke and Eva Green especially who always loves getting naked and chewing scenery. So at the very least we will have that to look forward too.
That right there is one of my favorite trailers in a long time. Look at all the action, Look at all the adventure, look at all the moxy. What could be better than a puckish rogue in space banging green chicks and hanging out with talking trees. I couldn’t think of anything either. It is like a checklist of cool space shit, carbon copy of Han Solo; check, stoic tough guy alien; check, alien chick that looks human enough to still be treated as a sex object; check, and all of that thrown into a pot of comic book craziness and Disney money. That alone makes it my most anticipated movie of the summer. Not to mention it is directed by James Gunn, the guy who made Super which went way darker than I expected maybe too dark, so who the hell knows what might happen. Either way it has been too damned long since somebody just went flying around in space.
X-Men Ending Credits
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Who was that Egyptian dude at the end of Days of Future Past?
That pale skinny dude at the end of X-Men Days of Future Past is about to blow every other superhero movie out of the goddamned water. I spent a decent chunk of my childhood in what can best be described as a jungle house, and I’m not saying this just to impress you with my hip bohemian childhood. It is to illustrate that as a young precocious boy I chose the X-Men cartoon over a literal jungle to explore. Shit was totally rad.
There is quite possibly nothing on this earth that makes me as happy as that damn song. Just by linking it there I had to listen to it for the better part of an hour. The X Men blew my mind. Simple as that, they were superheroes that weren't really superheroes. The villain wasn't a lunatic bent on conquering the world for the hell of it or hopelessly insecure about his receded hairline, he was a smart man that had seen the horror of mankind’s inhumanity and refused to let it happen again.They didn't run around New York City saving little old ladies and getting their picture in the paper. They were outcasts and weirdos. They had secret identities not because they wanted to keep dating cute red heads, but because we were hunting them. Their own parents would turn them in. They had a short hairy dude that gargled acid, a woman who hurt everyone she touched, and certain Cajun man that incites feelings in me that I am still not totally comfortable with. We didn't hoist them on our shoulders or see them as pretty blatant Christ analogues; we put them in camps, branded them and drove them into hiding because they were different because they made us feel small. Despite that every episode they put on their yellow and blue spandex and fought some nefarious evil to keep us safe. All because that beautiful bald bastard believed in us. He stood up, unfortunate word choice there, not just for the persecuted but for the persecutors. He firmly believed and fought for the best possible outcome no matter how impossible it seemed, and he had a sweet ass floating chair made of gold. The X-Men weren't about good triumphing over evil, it was a clash of ideologies, and then Apocalypse came along.
That dude’s voice alone still haunts my dreams. Not to mention the dude was a giant blue guy in a robot suit with really indescript powers. I still have no idea what mutant power he had. He could grow really big, fire lasers from his hands, and turn his appendages into guns which in retrospect does seem a tad redundant considering the whole lasers from the hands thing. But hey you got to sell action figure accessories somehow. The fact that you had no idea what this giant blue man was capable of made him all the more terrifying. Apocalypse was an insurmountable force without any conceivable limits. He didn't want to rule us; he wanted to eradicate us because we were unfit. He is a force of nature, the unrelenting march of time personified. We are obsolete compared to them and sooner or later we will fade away. We are the neanderthals huddled around the cave fire hiding from the new southern invader. Whether it happens this century or in a billion years eventually humanity as we know it will cease to exist. He is that inevitability made flesh. He is no more evil than an asteroid or the Ice Age. He is progress. He is Apocalypse, and we can only delay him.
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